A short rant

I've been told that I'm "old" now. I don't feel old, but I guess since you think I am I'll go ahead and get some things off my chest. That is what old people do, isn't it?

1) It is your responsibility to teach your children how to dress. Shame on you for letting little Tiffany leave the house wearing a skirt that's shorter than most people's underwear and a shirt that could use about another yard of fabric. Double shame on you for believing the lie that, "There aren't any suitable clothes for girls these days and this is all I could find" thus sending the message to the "designers" that it's ok produce skimpier and skimpier clothes.

2) Fathers, teach your sons. There's a shortage of manly men and it is our job as fathers to fix this. Note that "manly" does not equal "violent". There's enough violence. We need to groom men who are polite, helpful, easy tempered, and articulate while at the same time willing to get dirty and problem solve through experience. Teach Johnny how to build a fire in the back yard with a 9V battery and some steel wool and then teach him how to cook biscuits on that fire. Don't think cooking is masculine? Watch the miniseries Lonesome Dove for an example of men baking bread and tell me they're sissies (they fight Indians and drive cattle too).

3) If you're privileged enough to draw a living wage, be responsible. No matter if you work for the city and collect garbage or are the president of a major corporation - show up when you're supposed to and don't whine about it. Remember, you have this job because you applied for it. That means that you asked to work for these people and do this job. Don't act like you're a prisoner and your boss hunted you and forced you to come work so that he'd have someone to give money to. You wanted the job, now do the work for which you're getting paid. Play on the weekends and during your time off and stop whining like a little girl that you have a job and people need the services which you provide. This goes for parents who stay at home too. Suck it up and shut your mouth. You get to be the one to raise your children instead of taking the easy way out and paying someone else to raise your kids at daycare. Good for you! Your reward is coming.

There. I think I've said enough. Now turn down that music and get off my lawn.

BOGO's uterine

We got BOGO when he was just a little puppy while we were still students at Harding University. We've had him for about 7 years and have made up stories about him and we've really given him a personality that I think is pretty cool. He says things and goes places and we talk about different things with him. He's not a dog. He's a Canine American.

Anyway, several years ago we got a second dog (named Sakari) who later got a uterine infection. The vet gave us some antibiotics to give Sakari once a day for 10 days. So for 10 days, all BOGO saw was us giving Sakari a treat (with the pill stuffed inside -the only way to medicate a dog) and got jealous. We told him that Sakari had a uterine infection and so the next day he started complaining of a "hurt uterine" so that he could get a treat too. Since that day, he's pulled the "hurt uterine" card a few times to try to get special treatment. It's become such a common topic and part of his persona that we just talk about it openly with him.

Now that the girls are old enough to understand words and pick out parts of our conversations, they're really building a stash of questions of things we talk about.

For example: Just this morning Abigail asked me if BOGO has a bad uterine. I said yes. She looked concerned. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he's fine and that the chronic uterine infections is just a part of the BOGO persona we've made up for him over the years. "Yes" was just easier so I went with it. It made me laugh on the inside.

For men only.

Guys, this is for you.

As the father of three princesses and husband to their Queen, I consider myself the local authority on most things girl. I've done my time playing with hair and having mine decorated with bows and ribbons. I've painted nails and had tea with stuffed animals. I've exchanged outfit after outfit until just the right dress was pulled from the closet. I've sat on the couch during rainy days to watch Enchanted and I can't count the number of times I've seen Tangled. I've brushed sparkly pony hair and commented on how lovely 17 barrettes look in the 4 inches of sparkly pony hair. I've pulled pink doll hair out of my comb after it was used without my consent.

I'd say I know girls fairly well.

Here's my tip, fellas: Girls look beautiful. That's all you need to know and that's all they think about anyway so you may as well tell 'em. Let's all just say it together one time. "You look beautiful." That was fine in practice, but when it's game time be sure to actually look at a girl. No, it doesn't matter how old she is. My experience has taught me that it doesn't matter if she's 2 or 82. It also doesn't matter when you say it. "You look beautiful" gets an all-access pass in any conversation. It's another in a list of three-word phrases to add to your quiver of argument extinguishing arrows. We all know how well "I love you", "I am sorry", "I was wrong", and "You are right" work. (You do know about those, don't you?) Well, add "You are beautiful" to your list.

Several times a day I'm asked, "What do you think of me, Papi?" My answer is always, "I think you look beautiful." That's all it takes to make my girls smile and walk away happy. Sometimes they even ask me several times in a row just to hear me tell them they're beautiful. Do yourself a favor and tell that girl you've been dying to date, your wife, your girlfriend, etc that she's beautiful.

Say it, reap the reward, and thank me later. You're welcome.

Eve, right?

Whenever we go to the grocery store I let the girls pick a piece of fresh fruit for themselves. Today they got apples. They asked right away if they could eat their apples for dessert after lunch and I said, "yes." Elise was the first to finish her lunch and ask for her apple. I gave it to her and immediately she stood up in her chair, stripped off all her clothes, and then sat back down to eat her apple. I just looked at her in speechless wonder and she must've read my mind because she looked back at me and said, "I'm eating my apple with my clothes off like the girl in Bible class." I think she missed the point of the Fall of Man story.

Scaredy Cat

The girls have a pretty wide array of toys. A few times we've taken them to the dollar store or Wal-Mart and let them pick a toy. Each time, though, they decided on one of those little hard plastic animals. Some sort of dinosaur, horse, or other common zoo animal. They like to play with their animals and don't mind that they have duplicates. That just means there's a family of horses or tigers.

A while ago they wanted to give Suzi a toy to put on her desk at work. One girl gave her a tiger and the other a lion. What really made it a special gift was what they said. They gave her the tiger and lion so that she can remember to be strong and brave. That'll preach.

One of my first lessons to a youth group was at a small church in Anderson, SC. I talked about 2 Timothy 1:7. It wasn't a great lesson, but those nice kids didn't know the difference. I remember saying that we shouldn't be scared to be Christians and do what's right. Missed the mark. Not being timid isn't the same as defending your Christianity.

Consider the lion and tiger. I don't equate timidity with an apex predator. Predator. There's a word we're not familiar with hearing in reference to God. Do you actively seek out opportunities to invade ungodliness? I don't. I'm more of a "wait til something happens to me" kind of guy and that just ain't right. We've been given the authority to offend and not back down. We've been blessed with power, love, and self discipline, but are we using it? I want to, but how?

I will pay my bills in person and be the best example of God's love that teller has seen all week.

I will discipline my children and train them according to the Bible.

I will love the unlikeable.

What are ways you plan to be an offensive Christian? Or do you prefer the phrase "predator of ungodliness?" Let me know in a comment so we can share the ideas.

Little Girl Logic

Time: For the past few weeks (as long as Christmas specials have been airing on tv) Abigail's been obsessed with the time. She asks me a million times a day, "What time is it, Papi?" It recently dawned on me that, while I've been giving her accurate accounts of the time, that I've been giving her the wrong answer. She's been waiting for me to say, "It's CHRISTMAS TIME!" See, in her mind (and I'm pretty sure Elise is convinced of this as well) "Christmas Time" is an actual time on the clock and she just hasn't been asking me what time it is at the right moment. We're trekking East this year to spend Christmas with family. Oh what shrill shrieking there will be when at long last the girls will hear what they've been waiting for us to say.

Also falling under the "Little Girl Logic" category is Weather. In all the Christmas movies and commercials there's snow. It can't be Christmas Time if there's no snow. And every little girl knows that it only snows at Christmas Time. Based on those truths we get the equation: Snow = Christmas Time. The inverse (Christmas time = Snow) is also true. Along with the incessant questioning about the time is a funny (to me) obsession with looking out the front door window for the snow. I think she's hoping to scoop the story and be able to tell me when it's Christmas Time by watching the weather. I don't have the heart to tell her that it doesn't really snow where we're going next week. Growing up in GA, I remember a few times when it snowed and all the kids ran outside to roll up the pine needles with the light dusting that managed to stick to make a "snow man." More like a "snow cave man" complete with pine needle "hair." But I guess there's always the off chance there will be snow somewhere on our journey. Hope so.

Bedtime Story: Creation

This one's not a funny story, but it's a bedtime story I tell the girls. It's simplified with lots of repetition which makes it a good one for teaching kids. All the repetition also makes it an easy story to tell because there's sort of a rhythm to it. Enjoy.

A very long time ago, before Papi and Mami, before Grandpa and Grandma, and before Grandpapi and Grandmami, there was nothing and everything was dark. There was only God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. God looked around and decided to make something. So he said, "I want the earth and sky and light." And it was so. There was the earth covered by water, the sky, light, and dark. There was day time and night time for the first day. Later God looked at what he'd made - the earth covered by water, the sky, the light, the dark - and saw that it was good, but he wanted to make it better so he said, "I want to separate all this water. I want water in the sky and water on the earth. And it was so. There was day time and night time, and there was water in the sky and water on the earth for the second day. Later God looked at what he'd made - the earth covered by water, the sky, the light, the dark, the water in the sky, the water on the earth - and saw that it was good, but he wanted to make it better so he said, "I want to make some dry ground with trees and flowers and keep the water in special places called oceans. And it was so. There was day time and night time, there was water in the sky and on the earth, and there was dry ground with trees and flowers, and there was water was in special places called oceans for the third day. Later God looked at what he'd made - the earth, the light, the dark, the water in the sky, the water on the earth, the dry ground with trees and flowers - and saw that it was good, but he wanted to make it better so he said, "I want a sun for the day time and a moon and stars for the night time. And it was so. There was day time and night time, there was water in the sky and on the earth, there was dry ground with trees and flowers, there was water in special places called oceans, there was the sun for day time and the moon and stars for the night time for the fourth day. Later God looked at what he'd made - the earth, the light, the dark, the water in the sky, the water on the earth, the dry ground with trees and flowers, the sun, the moon and stars - and saw that it was good, but he wanted to make it better so he said, "I want fish, whales, and sharks in the water and I want big birds and little birds in the air." And it was so. There was day time and night time, there was water in the sky and on the earth, there was dry ground with trees and flowers, there was water in special places called oceans, there was the sun for day time and the moon and stars for the night time, and there were fish, whales and sharks in the water, and there were big birds and little birds in the air for the fifth day. Later God looked at what he'd made - the earth, the light, the dark, the water in the sky, the water on the earth, the dry ground with trees and flowers, the sun, the moon and stars, fish, whales, sharks, big birds, little birds - and saw that it was good, but he wanted to make it better so he said, "I want dinosaurs, dogs, cats, cows, horses, and lots of bugs. I also want to make a boy and a girl to rule over everything I've made. The boy and girl will be special because I'll make them like me." And it was so. There was day time and night time, there was water in the sky and on the earth, there was dry ground with trees and flowers, there was water in special places called oceans, there was the sun for day time and the moon and stars for the night time, and there were fish, whales and sharks in the water, and there were big birds and little birds in the air, dinosaurs, dogs, cats, cows, horses, lots of bugs and a special boy and girl who were made like God for the sixth day. After God made all these things he looked around and saw that it was good. The next day God rested and enjoyed looking at all the things he made. That's why we tell God, "thank you".